An exciting re-birth happens to a person when one takes time to re-evaluate some things in life. For me that was a process that took a long time to evaluate. Looking at one's self takes a lot of courage, and transparency. It takes much prayer, honesty, tears, questions, and more questions. Asking GOD questions about life, and trust me HE will give you the answers. You may not like what you receive, but that's when the commitment to what GOD says about you comes in, and the question is: What are you going to do about it?
I am a writer. I have been writing since I was a little girl. Yet, somewhere along the line, I gave my voice away because, my writing was not according to what someone else said it should be. I cannot tell you how many times I wasted paper and ink printing out query letters to literary agents, managers, production companies, development executives, studios, etc. just to get my work noticed, and to do the typical introduction. I wasted money on fancy resume paper to make my query, and introductory letters stand out. I sent out tons of emails, and then had the nerves to stand in line at the post office wasting money on stamps, and then my neurotic obsession pushed me into further anal behavior when I would spend extra money to get signature confirmation, delivery confirmation WITH insurance, AND priority mail, with express mail being like a special dessert. And yes. I fully confess to using FedEx as well. I know, crazy, and more crazy.
I did this for years. Many years. I spent money on every voice but my own. Then I got tired. I heard about self-publishing, and learned that one of my favorite poets and writers, Ms. Nikki Giovanni self-published her first book, Black Feeling Black Talk. I felt so proud because, this tiny powerhouse woman used poetry to voice her concerns and thoughts on civil rights. That inspired me to self-publish my first ever book entitled, Still Standing: Volume One back in 2007. It was a poetry book that detailed love, self-esteem, and triumphs. I wanted to make a difference with my voice. It barely sold a hundred copies. That was a major learning lesson for me. It showed me that people I thought who were my friends and supporters, really did not support me because I counted on one hand how many of my friends actually supported it and bought it. I later learned that it did not matter who bought it or how many copies were sold. The most important aspect of that was I. Me. Myself. Published my voice to inspire that soul who felt like giving up. I wanted to speak to the nameless face who was told they could not do achieve their dreams and passions because of "boundaries and limitations" created by someone else and/or even themselves.
I gave myself a break from the consistency of being told "no." For a year, I did not send out any queries, introductory letters, pitches, synopsis or anything. I needed a break. I needed to re-invent my introductory. Then I got back in the hustle by trying to upgrade my delivery. I sent out gift baskets, and Edible Arrangements to those same constituent titles, but with different faces. Guess what? I NEVER heard anything from those people who received the upgrade from postalville. I was throwing money and time down the drain investing in a mirage.
It is easy for people to say, "Don't give up. Hang in there. That no will turn into a yes." Blah. Blah. Blah. You know when it turns into a 'yes?' When YOU decide to take your power and not wait on permission from someone else to tell you when you can be great. When you decide to take back your power and not wait on permission to exercise your artistic voice. When YOU decide to stop waiting on someone to notice your work or to tell you what to do. Who says it's wrong?
When GOD really opened my eyes, I literally cried like a baby. I was mad at myself that I waited so long and wasted money on getting permission from people who were just like me. Sometimes people forget that they started somewhere. Everyone has a start. I told my Mom and sister that I felt like a hamster on a wheel. I was going nowhere. Feet would move, but my surrounding did not change until I changed.
Do you know that when your passion becomes work that it can make you bitter? How so? Because it begins to feel like a job. It feels like work. What I mean by that is...I have a passion to write. I love writing. It is like breathing to me. Yet, during my hamster times, it became work. It became logical.
I did not even want to pick up a pen and paper. I did not want to think about story. Yet, I was suffocating myself from what GOD instilled in me. I knew that I had to get back to the enjoyment of writing. I had to get back to the love. It was a journey. A journey that I am thankful for. Because out of that journey was birthed the current voice, "Grits In A Bowl." It was done in two weeks. Graphics, story, format. Two weeks. "Grits In A Bowl" is a digital collection of short stories where unusual circumstances bring people together. It awakens the existence of who they are. It awakens victory, love, joy, laughs. It awakens them.
I do not care how many copies are sold. I do not care about best seller status. None of that matters because at the end of the day, I have validation. I did not wait for permission. I did not wait for someone else to tell me when and how my voice gets to be delivered. I did not wait for permission to be unique and great. I did not wait. I just did what GOD already birthed in me. To be a doer. Doers don't wait for permission to exercise their voice. They just do it.
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